“You see this? This bundle of hair growing between your temple and ear on both sides? This is the ugliest, most challenging part that all hairdresser want to hide, manage or get rid of. Me, I cut around it, shape around it in order to integrate it into your haircut. Form follows function you see.” said David today.
I have been soaking in Jan Geurtz book “Addicted to love" this summer. It’s been a slow reading as it gives much food for thought and feeling. One of them is on how when we become aware of parts of us that we have been rejecting, we have the tendency to want to change it, eliminate it, get rid of it just like those “unfortunate” but naturally growing hairs. An impulse that I noticed feels harsh and actually re-enhances the sense of (self-)rejection and the illusion that we are never good enough. What David said today coincides with what Geurtz emphasises in his book - you don’t want to “cut the problem” away as the problem will grow back, cutting it will only perpetuate it.
Some more in-depth explanation is needed for me to express the full spectrum of my reflection.
So say there was a moment somewhere, in our childhood (most things happen and shape us then) where we have been rejected by one or both of our parents for something(s) that originally sprouted from pure goodness and love - like being 5 and drawing a big heart with the message “for mama” on the freshly painted white wall using mom’s only red lipstick. In my childhood I would have for sure been shown the way to feel guilty/wrong about it without any further attempt of understanding my genuine intention. I am not saying all children should be encouraged to start painting hearts on walls. Of course there’s valuable truths on both sides. If this approach is the norm though, then chances are that in a child’s malleable brain a negative belief grows that one has to always be nice, kind and careful with others if one wants to be accepted & loved. And no showcase of authentic, spontaneous ways of loving allowed if one wants to avoid feeling guilty. This belief is the bundle of hair - it is there, grown in the organic course of life, with more or less unfortunate constellations, and now what? Do we dare see it for what is? Can we accept it and make it part of who we are? Blend it in, integrate it harmoniously and kindly, forgiving and giving it less power on its own but more to the ever-shifting whole where it originates from?
I'm SO only scratching the surface of this and yet some level of softening already emerges.
For all your self-rejective believes that invite you to be more self-loving to yourself,
Alexandra