Two words that have been massively used, abused and misused making them sound insignificant to the extent of a cliche. And yet they are the fuel of life, of you and me.
Earlier this week, James from @amindfulearth shared his reflection on how awareness translates into love and the other way around. I found it to be mind- and heart-blowing!
It felt like he found the words to describe what I have experienced last year.
Ok. What follows is an attempt to briefly describe a very personal and intimate experience. And although I feel shy and vulnerable about sharing it, something tells me it needs to be done.
Let’s start with the beginning which actually meant an ending. A moment where the way I thought love is supposed to be, both loving and being loved, collapsed and crashed in front of me. And with me. I was quite stubborn to feel guilty and a failure as I could not imagine how else could love manifest. In that stubborn and inevitable state of hurt, I started walking through nature. I had the space to be present with my feelings, my thoughts, my hopelessness. I did not stop them from coming and I carried them with me through-out all 4 seasons. It’s (late) spring again and I now see what that ending meant - I had to let go of the romantically delusional way of approaching love. An approach where I at times lived far from the present, from what was actually happening and instead choosing to seek the deception of the ideal, of something OUT of here instead of IN here. Thus unaware and unloving of what is unfolding in front of my eyes. Because I walked in all seasons I noticed that nature never feels like it is trying to make it sunny when it is rainy. It never feels frustrated that it is too cold or that nothing is green anymore. Nature knows that sometimes it’s time to grow and expand itself and that it also it needs to shed the green and embrace the brown, without second questioning.
This understanding gave my mind some space and filled my heart with loving presence. It truly did. And I thought - what if I could also embrace all my seasons? And the ones of others? What would that do to me? To my way of relating to love in all its shapes and forms, love for my children, my parents, my friends, a man? When is it appropriate to grow in love and when is it time to give it space to rest or to let it go? It feels exciting and at the same time scary as sh*t. But then again, I don’t recall the last time I felt this … present with my self & my life. And in love with my seasons.
For your own love (&awareness) of you for it is only real once we share it,
Alexandra